Once again, I need a lesson in patience. It is so hard for me to just sit there and watch my baby learn to do new things like suck on a bottle. I had my first breakdown last night... the doctors are talking about putting her back on oxygen because she some times forgets to breathe (in the NICU it's called a "brady"), which is very normal since she's not supposed to know how to yet and since she's learning new things every day it might just make it "easier" on her to have a little bit of help. She also spit up a ton last night after her feeding and it just freaks me out. I know that every baby spits up, but I just feel so helpless when she does it and I hate to watch her struggle. Then I start feeling an immense amount of guilt because she shouldn't have to know how to do any of this stuff yet and as much as I know that there isn't anything I could have done to prevent it, I still wish it could be different :( And then I end up calling Jamie in tears because I feel so bad and he's very wise and reminds me that it isn't a race to see how soon we can get her home and we don't need to push her to do things like try a bottle or try breastfeeding because she's not supposed to know how to do them before 34-35 weeks and starting her sooner isn't going to make her learn faster, it's just going to burn calories and make it harder for her to gain weight. So then I settle down again and concentrate on the good things:
1. For now the bili lights are off, they could go back on tomorrow or friday if her number jumps up, but until then I get to dress her in cute little outfits.
2. She isn't on oxygen today.
3. She didn't spit up during her morning feeding. I would like to believe it was because she was kangarooing with me and that she's so calm when she's with her mom that why would she want to spit up.
4. She understands that the nipple goes in her mouth and she kind of gets sucking. So WHEN the time comes for her to know how to do this, she already has that down.
5. She is so flipping cute. Really she is :)
Emma's first outfit
Please excuse my messy face :)
I know that there is something to suck on around here somewhere!
Emma and the "soothie" for a little perspective on how small she is