I know, it's not often that you hear me say that. And if you're here for Emma pictures, I don't have any today, I'm sorry.
I'm having a "woe is me" sort of a day and what sucks is that I know what my issue is and I just can't snap out of this mood. Today's topic: "But I just want to be her Mommy!"
The last couple days Emma hasn't been quite herself; she's a little bit more fussy and she isn't really taking a bottle very well and I feel like we're moving backwards. I'm told this is pretty common with preemies because it takes a lot of energy to learn something new and technically she's not even supposed to know how to take a bottle yet... everyone told me to expect it, but it still makes me sad when things aren't going perfectly. Then to top it off Emma's nurse made me feel more guilty. I know this nurse, she's Emma's primary nurse, and she really knows her stuff, but she can be a little blunt sometimes. I had asked the nurses last night not to try and give her a bottle after a certain time because I wanted to be able to do it when I got in this morning and she can't do 2 bottles in that short amount of time yet. Well she was too sleepy for the feeding I was there for this morning and the nurse kept pointing out that she was VERY wide awake at the 2 previous ones and it would have just been better to do it when she wanted to instead of when I wanted to. I know that, it makes perfect sense and I know that she's not going to do well if I'm "forcing" her. But I really didn't mean to force it. I just thought it would be nice for me to be able to do it instead of the nurses because I feel like there is so little I'm able to do for her.
I just want to be her mom and right now I don't feel like a mom. I feel like I'm playing with someone else's baby that I have to give back after a couple of hours. I want to take her home. I want to feed her and bathe her and love her and hold her whenever I want. I don't want someone else to tell me what to do. I want to be the boss. I want to decide what is best for her because I'M HER MOMMY!!!
And I know that once I have her home I'll probably be dying for a break, but right now I just want a chance to be her mom. I am really, really not a very patient person.
So I went to lunch with Jamie and had a bit of a breakdown and he so smartly pointed out that she shouldn't even be here yet and if she wasn't here I would have to wait to do all those "mom" things. And that we should view this time as "bonus" time because most parents don't get these extra weeks with their child, and we shouldn't put pressure on her or us, but we should just enjoy it and learn to take what we can get and soon she'll be home and then we'll be able to completely be her parents and do everything we can for her.
Evidently becoming a dad has made Jamie a wise, wise man. I am truly blessed to have him by my side and my sanity thanks him :)
8 comments:
Awww, honey. I can only imagine what that must be like, and you have every right to go through the emotions that you are. But all in due time. You'll get an entire lifetime with Emma, but for now, the nurses need to make her big and strong enough for you to spend that lifetime together. Stay strong my dear - you have a wonderful husband and a wonderful daughter and soon you'll have her all to yourselves :)
(((HUGS))) Your feelings and emotions are totally normal for the situation that you are in. It must be so hard to try to sort through everything and try to figure out what is "best". Hang in there, Emma is doing fantastic and will be home with you and in your arms for good in just a few weeks. And I think your husband is pretty smart :) He does have some very good words of wisdom and I am so happy he is there for you right now (since I can't be ;) haha!) Love you guys!
This is from all my identities rolled into one= First, I know the nurses in a NICU can get very attached to babies that are there for a while and can take on a possessive attitude sometimes. Remember however, that you are her mom (&dad) She will always respond to you more than anyone else. Also, you are giving her the MOST important thing to help her grow and stay healthy. Your breastmilk is not something any nurse can provide-only you! You may not be in control of her schedule, but you are in control of her. Just snuggle all you can now-she'll grow up too fast.Love ya all!
Sending hugs to all three of you! Everyone else here has said it better than I could so I just second everything they said. :)
Ditto to Tanya. Everyone already had such wise advice.
I'm sorry that you had a tough day. HUGS
I'm so sorry! I can't imagine the feeling of having to leave every night. but in your head knowing that she is getting the best care possible! and wow - that Jamie - what amazing words of wisdom. He's a fabulous dad and you are an amazing mommy to that Miss Emma!!
I totally understand why you would be feeling this way! It's maternal instinct, so dont fight it, just embrace it. And your hubby's fatherly insights are kicking in to help you out when you're crazy and hormonal. I think post-partum hormones and bfing hormones can be worse than pregnancy hormones b/c you just dont expect it. Listen to wise Old Man Schwaberow. But when you get home, momma's the boss.
Awww, what a great man you are married to! And you are already an amazing mommy, even though I know you don't feel like it quite yet. I don't know what I would do if I were in your position, I'm much too much of a control freak to have this small amount of "control" you don't even feel you have. Kudos to you and Jamie for being such wonderful parents already - after all, Emma isn't even supposed to be here yet...
lm2b
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