I know, it's not often that you hear me say that. And if you're here for Emma pictures, I don't have any today, I'm sorry.
I'm having a "woe is me" sort of a day and what sucks is that I know what my issue is and I just can't snap out of this mood. Today's topic: "But I just want to be her Mommy!"
The last couple days Emma hasn't been quite herself; she's a little bit more fussy and she isn't really taking a bottle very well and I feel like we're moving backwards. I'm told this is pretty common with preemies because it takes a lot of energy to learn something new and technically she's not even supposed to know how to take a bottle yet... everyone told me to expect it, but it still makes me sad when things aren't going perfectly. Then to top it off Emma's nurse made me feel more guilty. I know this nurse, she's Emma's primary nurse, and she really knows her stuff, but she can be a little blunt sometimes. I had asked the nurses last night not to try and give her a bottle after a certain time because I wanted to be able to do it when I got in this morning and she can't do 2 bottles in that short amount of time yet. Well she was too sleepy for the feeding I was there for this morning and the nurse kept pointing out that she was VERY wide awake at the 2 previous ones and it would have just been better to do it when she wanted to instead of when I wanted to. I know that, it makes perfect sense and I know that she's not going to do well if I'm "forcing" her. But I really didn't mean to force it. I just thought it would be nice for me to be able to do it instead of the nurses because I feel like there is so little I'm able to do for her.
I just want to be her mom and right now I don't feel like a mom. I feel like I'm playing with someone else's baby that I have to give back after a couple of hours. I want to take her home. I want to feed her and bathe her and love her and hold her whenever I want. I don't want someone else to tell me what to do. I want to be the boss. I want to decide what is best for her because I'M HER MOMMY!!!
And I know that once I have her home I'll probably be dying for a break, but right now I just want a chance to be her mom. I am really, really not a very patient person.
So I went to lunch with Jamie and had a bit of a breakdown and he so smartly pointed out that she shouldn't even be here yet and if she wasn't here I would have to wait to do all those "mom" things. And that we should view this time as "bonus" time because most parents don't get these extra weeks with their child, and we shouldn't put pressure on her or us, but we should just enjoy it and learn to take what we can get and soon she'll be home and then we'll be able to completely be her parents and do everything we can for her.
Evidently becoming a dad has made Jamie a wise, wise man. I am truly blessed to have him by my side and my sanity thanks him :)