Sorrow

Yesterday a friend of mine, and fellow preemie mom, lost her dear son Justice (http://blakeybabies.blogspot.com/). There are no words to describe the pain that my heart feels for their family.
As the parent of a preemie I've become too familiar with the loss of innocent lives, but it never gets any easier. Justice was 20 months old and has death has hit me harder than I expected. He was in Emma's "class" of preemies on a preemie board I belong to. I was lucky enough to visit Tiffany and Justice on Wednesday and my heart broke into a million pieces yesterday when I heard the news.
I wish that no parent ever had to experience the loss of their child. I wish that no one had to feel that pain.
Rest in peace dear boy.


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Blessed

I have a mother

• who instilled in me a love of reading
• who has been here for me every step of the way
• who taught me what a marriage should be
• who is an amazing baker
• who has a head scarf to match every outfit and a bracelet to match each cardigan
• who loves my child more than I ever imagined
• who has become one of my closest friends and who always knows the right thing to say

I am a mother to a little girl

• who is 20lbs of personality
• who walks past the toddler and little kid equipment on the playground because "it's too small, want big slide"
• who spontaneously says "I love you"
• who is on a constant quest to find a pink airplane
• who runs faster than I knew a 2 year old could run
• who wants to do whatever the grown ups are doing
• who loves animals with an amazing passion
• who can count to ten but usually chooses to count "one, free, nine"
• whose favorite activity is writing lists
• who loves to pretend that it's "seeping" time. who will cover each participant with a blanket and give them a lovey. But don't open your eyes or your head might get shoved back into the pillow. Nap time is very serious :)
• who is fiercely independent, but still needs a kiss when she has an owie
• who has taught me that being a mother is so much more than I ever could have imagined. That even the darkest day can be brightened with a smile and a "I lu loo!"

Update

An update for those that are curious (warning this is pretty graphic, so you might not want to read it if you’re say my brother).
The surgery went pretty well. I kind of lost it emotionally when I was getting my IV. All I could think about was being admitted to the hospital when I was pregnant with Emma and getting an IV and how horrible that day was. They also put leg cuffs on and I was in a hospital gown, so it definitely felt like bed rest, which wasn’t a happy feeling. The doctors were wonderful and so supportive through the whole thing. The IV sedation was AWESOME. The anesthesiologist told me it was going to sting and I remember it stinging for about 2 second and then I woke up and it was all over. It ended up being “just” a fibroid, which is a really good thing. However I’m a little concerned since it was in the exact same place as my last fibroid that attached to my placenta, but I’ll find out more about that next week at my appt.
Unfortunately when I was in recovery the nurse pulled my catheter thinking I didn’t need it and it turned out it was attached to a balloon in my uterus to keep it from scarring. So I had to go back into surgery and be put under again so that they could re-insert it. So we were there much longer than we thought and I now have a very large attachment hanging down the inside of my leg, which is really uncomfortable.
But, I am so glad that it’s over and it went okay (and I woke up)!! Thank you for all your good thoughts, I really appreciate them.



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worry

Are you the type of person whose mind goes to dark places? Or are you able to see the silver lining in everything?

I'm a worrier. I worry about big things and little things. If there isn't something to worry about, I'll find something. I'm a worrier.

I have surgery on Wednesday, it's not a huge deal, but it could help determine if I will have problems carrying another baby to term and if there was a reason for Emma's early arrival. I'm trying to focus on the positive; being one step closer to hopefully having another child, but it's hard not to focus on the things that could go wrong. Not waking up, my doctors finding something not so good, them deciding I needed a full hysterectomy without asking me (which I know would never happen, but it still freaks me out). I trust my doctor completely and she's been fully honest with me. It just scares me that I'm headed back to the hospital that Emma and I spent 3 months at. I'm scared that everything won't be okay, I'm scared that they'll unearth a huge problem.

2 more days and hopefully I can stop worrying.

Easter!

Yeah, I'm a little behind right now but I wanted to share these pictures!





Ready to garden in her new boots.




Watching for bunnies (since everyone in the family wears glasses she thinks she needs glasses to see)




Let's find some eggs!




Yay!!

Family

A couple weeks ago we were lucky enough to have a family ski weekend. Paul and Sam flew in and we all headed up to Copper Mtn to spend some quality time together. As much as I love spending time with my family, the best part about spending time with family is how much Emma loves it. She loves the attention and the extra people to love on her. She loves the commotion and the extra voices. The hard part is when everyone leaves and it's back to the 3 of us, but we relish the time we have :)

My dad, showing his perfect curling form

Uncle Paul reading a story

More story time with Paul and Sam

Dancing with Grandpa

Catching snowflakes with Grandma (Mom, don't hate me!)

Gardening with Grandpa!

Cake!!

We had Emma's birthday party today and it was so much fun!! We had her friends over for a "play-doh" party and I set out tables of play-doh and tools to play with and I think it was a big hit (and actually not as mess as you'd think). Jamie and I did a horrible job taking photos now that I look through them, but we did manage to get a lot of pictures of her AMAZING cake. My friend Sarah made it and it was by far the most gorgeous cake I've ever seen!! I loved it and Emma did too! As soon as she laid eyes on it she was smacking her lips and asking to "eat cake". I'm the mean mommy that made her wait.

The cake and cupcakes

Waiting to sing

The surprise inside

CAKE!!!

smack, smack

Oh, so pretty!

Can you believe how awesome this cake is?