30 weeks!!

This weekend was a huge milestone for me, I'm officially more pregnant than I've ever been! It was pretty emotional, I kept thinking back to what I was doing at each time of the day when Emma was born, but it feels so good to be past it. It was such a mental block for me and I really have noticed a change in my outlook since passing it.

I actually feel really good. I've been uncomfortable the last month, but I think it just took me a while to get used to the extra weight and my new center of gravity - it's different this time around since I'm standing up :) I mean I'm not running any marathons, and I definitely have aches and pains (oh my back!), but I'm getting used to it I think.

I still have a long way to go until the next milestone (7 weeks to full-term!), but I'm thankful for each and every day I'm still pregnant. And I'm beginning to feel like full-term is very realistic, not a pipe dream :) I don't know, it's just different now I guess and it feels pretty nice.

My belly is BIG, but I'll take it :)

28 weeks!!

I'm 28 weeks and still standing! I had some pain and cramping on Friday which earned me yet another trip to labor and delivery. I deliberately called before the office closed thinking I could just go in and get checked out, but my doctor wasn't there and they spoke to the midwife who was on call both times I abrupted and she suggested I head to L&D. I think I scare her a little bit. But baby was good, I wasn't having contractions and my cervix is still long and closed. I appreciate that they are cautious with me, I just wish it didn't involve the hospital every time. Their "official" response was "well, this is about as pregnant as you've ever been, so this could be how your body reacts." The next couple months should be a joy then.

Other than that I'm feeling okay. It definitely takes some time to get used to carrying around this bowling bowl in front. I can tell my body isn't loving the changes so much, my back is killing me, but I know it's better than the alternative. I'm VERY happy to still be pregnant and standing, it just huts a bit.

I feel huge, so I pulled up a picture from the same gestation with Emma to see how I was comparing and yeah, I'm quite a bit bigger!

27w with Emma on the left, #2 on the right. #2 also feels a lot lower, but you can't really tell that from the photos.

giant belly!

Emma having some fun with her sister - she's ready for her to come out and play, but we've explained she can't come out until summer is almost over. I also don't think she completely understands that baby sister won't be playing much when she's born.

Sisters

If we're sitting on the couch Emma will pull my shirt up and say "I want my baby sister."
This is how they cuddle




Baby sister goes crazy when her sister is nearby, she kicks for her much more than she will for anyone else. It's sweet how much they love each other already :)

Still Standing!

I made it to my very first 24w appt today - something I never accomplished with Emma. It's so crazy to think at this point I had already been in the hospital over a week with her.

My ultrasound was good, I had actually just had one 6 days ago, so there wasn't a lot to find out. Baby look good (and is definitely a girl!), she's measuring a little small but still within normal tolerances, cervix is looking great and my placenta is a little low, but again not hugely concerning. Basically they'll just keep watching me. I've officially gained more than I did while pregnant with Emma, which stings a little, but I'll just worry about that later. I haven't gained a ton, I'm right on track, it's probably due to the fact that I lost all my muscle on bed rest with Emma. So I'm holding steady :)

Easter was crazy - I've never seen Emma that high on sugar before. She was wonderfully behaved and charming at the egg hunt we went to, she just had SO much energy. It's actually not surprising that she doesn't gain weight, she is such a busy body. It wouldn't be terrible if her baby sister was just a tad more chill than she was

.

24 weeks

I had hoped to be able to write about my goal of making it to 24w without being admitted to the hospital, but it seems like the universe had other plans for me.
Saturday afternoon I noticed a tiny bit of spotting – I haven’t bled at all this pregnancy (unlike with Emma, where I bled the whole time) and seeing even a tiny drop of blood was enough to freak me out. I called the on-call doc and they wanted me to head to the hospital, so I quickly woke Emma up (Jamie was out of town) and took her to a friend’s house so she could be picked up by my parents.
Walking into the hospital was pretty bad – the timing of being there again exactly one day gestationally before I’d been admitted with Emma was unreal. I think I freaked the emergency room people out a little bit because I was having flashbacks of last time. I insisted on walking upstairs myself instead of being in a wheel chair, because being wheeled down the hall to the antipartum floor is still one of the worst memories in my mind. The hallway has all these gorgeous pictures of happy, fat babies and I remember thinking “I’m not supposed to be here yet, it’s not my time” and even though walking down it again was horrible, I didn’t want the same experience.
They quickly got me a bed and put baby girl on the monitor, she was happy as a clam. I had an ultrasound and pelvic exam and my placenta, uterus and cervix all looked good, but there is a spot of “irritability” on my cervix which is where they think the bleeding is coming from. It’s VERY normal in pregnancy (there is a lot of extra blood down there) and it’s not an active bleed like I had with Emma, they think it’s no big deal. My doctor (not my normal doctor, but my other favorite who was the one who discovered I was in labor with Emma) was nice enough to offer up the steroid shots to help mature the babies lungs. They do NOT think I’m in danger of delivering, but there is no harm in getting them and it made everyone feel more comfortable (it’s just an added bonus to know if something does go wrong, we already have that taken care of). They kept me overnight on Saturday night for observation and I got to go home Sunday evening after my second shot.
I’m not on bed rest, they want me to take it easy and I’m on pelvic rest and can’t fly. I have a follow up ultrasound with the high-risk group that saw me when I was in the hospital with Emma tomorrow, just to have a second set of eyes look me over and then my next OB appt is next Monday.
It was really a weird experience to be back there. I recognized everyone and they all remembered me – even some of the NICU nurses came over after they saw my name on the board. It was bittersweet – I obviously didn’t want to be there, but I did love seeing friendly faces.
I’m having a little harder time dealing today, I just feel sad. I wrote this post a couple weeks ago and I kind of feel foolish. I know there is nothing wrong with feeling positive, but I feel like I let my guard down and kind of was blindsided. It’s hard to explain unless you’ve been there – I thought I would be guarded the whole time and I was just starting to feel like maybe everything would go smoothly for me and then WHAM! I know this isn’t a big deal, but it was just enough to remind me that things do happen and I seem to be someone that they happen to. It also makes me worry about Emma because I don’t really know how she’s coping with all of this and I don’t think it’s fair that she has to. IF something were to happen, she’s the one who would be most affected – I can handle it, been there done that (as much as I don’t want to), but she’s just 3 and I hate that she might be introduced to a situation where she’s scared about me or her sister or just doesn’t know what’s going on. I know what will happen will happen, but I’m a worrier and this is just what I do.
I’m just on edge and feeling a little lost and like I can’t really make plans because I don’t know what will happen. I feel like a lot of the joy has been taken away and I don’t want to feel that way, but I don’t know how not to expect the worst. It was a rough weekend.

And since I haven't posted a picture in a while, here you go - not the best

Dancing Queen

My mom has started taking Emma to ballet class and she LOVES it. Evidently she pays attention to the teacher the entire time and is really interested in learning. Tonight she taught me some moves and actually used the correct name for them - I was blown away!!

For some reason the sound doesn't come through on this video, which makes me SO sad. She tells me that she's performing a passe and that you "open the door" to get your leg open. It's adorable and amazing all at the same time.

And since we're on the subject of dancing I'll include this one. We're in walgreens and she's just been diagnosed with walking pneumonia, but obviously she wasn't "that" sick.

Believe

I had my 20w ultrasound yesterday and I’m relieved that it’s over. Even though everything has been going well I still get anxious before these appointments because I know the bottom could drop out at any moment. Luckily yesterday’s scan went well and our little girl (yes, I said girl) is happy and healthy!
This pregnancy is different than I thought it would be. I truly believed that I would be a basket case every moment of every day and that hasn’t been true. Not to say that I’m not worried and don’t think about things that could go wrong quite often, but with each day that passes I allow myself to breathe a little deeper and become a little more comfortable with this pregnancy. Sometimes I wonder if I’m doing the right thing by allowing myself to become more relaxed, obviously the more I let myself believe the good things the further I have to fall if something bad happens. In a way it’s just easier to believe that everything is going to go wrong because then when something does happen I’m not surprised. With Emma, even after things had gone wrong from the very start, I don’t think I ever truly understood what could have happened. We were lucky, I know it was only luck, and now that we’re on the other side I can understand (though never truly understand) what could have happened. Even laying in the hospital for weeks on end never did I believe that we could end up with a preemie and months spent in the NICU – it just wasn’t something I could grasp. This time I can. This time I know every possible thing that could happen to us. And it makes me more prepared. I’m not naïve like I once was, it’s hard for me to see the glass as half full, but I’m trying. I know that no matter what happens this is my last pregnancy and it is my last chance to soak in the joys and pains of being a pregnant woman. I’m doing my best to believe that this really might go right this time. That we might be one of the lucky ones that brings our baby home with us just days after she’s born. I might be able to hold her close to me immediately after her birth instead of waiting until the next day. I might know what it’s like to experience labor with my husband by my side and watch him get to experience the birth first hand instead of through pictures. I might get to wake multiple times in the night to feed a baby, not an electric machine. I might know what it’s like to cry happy tears about a birth instead of just tears of sadness and regret. I might get a fat, full-term baby.
I know that we can handle it if life decides to throw us a curveball again, but that doesn’t mean we want to.