Friday, March 13, 2009

364 days

That's how long it's been since my world was flipped upside down. I've chosen to blog about this today so that I can try and concentrate on Emma tomorrow and celebrate the miracle that she is (I promise I will have cute pictures and stories and maybe even some video tomorrow) :)
If you would have asked me a week ago how I was doing I would have told you that I was great and that I was over all my sadness about this date. Eh, turns out that isn't true. I'm having a round week. I think part of it is that Jamie is out of town and likely will always be out of town this week, but it definitely brings back some of the "lonely" feelings. I lay down and it's just like a movie in my head that I can't stop. My memories from that night just play over and over again.
I remember how much pain I was in the days before I went into labor and how I wished it was over so I could just have my life back.
I remember the joy at getting to shower and eat that Friday. I hadn't showered in FIVE days. I'm pretty sure my doctor was glad she made that decision once she became a little more intimate with me.
I remember the amazing massage one of my favorite nurses gave me, but how it didn't stop the pain.
I remember going to the bathroom every 5-10 minutes in hopes that emptying my bladder would stop the contractions. It didn't work.
I remember wanting to push, and then mentioning it to my nurse, which is when people got clued in.
I remember the surprised look on my doc's face when they did the u/s. Turns out there was no measurable cervix. Hmmm, I wonder why? Oh because I was EIGHT CENTIMETERS DILATED!!!
I remember the absolute chaos that ensured after that. The staff was desperately trying to get me to labor and delivery and I was crying so hard that I could barely speak.
I remember calling my parents and Jamie and no one could understand what I was saying and I had to keep screaming "I'M IN LABOR GET HERE NOW!!!!"
I remember how terrified and alone I felt. OMG. I was so scared. So, so scared.
I remember being wheeled down the hall, still just crying uncontrollably. I can't imagine what the people in the hall thought was happening to me.
I remember getting to L&D and having them check me again and being 10cm. It was happening so fast and my head was just spinning.
I remember the epidural. I never thought I wanted one and actually had always been told that they won't give you one if you're that far along, but I think they saw I needed some help. It was awesome! One of my favorite doctors was holding me and compared to everything else going on it was so easy. I hadn't been in much pain but it calmed me down enough so I could breath and slowed my labor down so my parents could get there.
My parents came, I think they might have been crying in the car. Just a wild guess.
I remember one doc leaving and the other one coming. Luckily it was my 2 favorite docs... I will be forever grateful for that.
I remember pushing and my water breaking ALL over my doctor. Keep in mind I'd been bleeding for months... it was gross. She was a trouper, went and changed and was back for my next contraction.
Did you know that in order to give birth your legs must be behind your head? I didn't either, but my nurse sure seemed to think so.
I remember there were about a million people in my hospital room for the delivery. And every nurse I knew (which was a lot) kept stopping in to see me. I was a minor celebrity.
I remember how hard it was to push out a 2# baby. I really always thought she would slide out. She didn't.
I remember my doctor mentioning she might have to give me an episiotomy and I FREAKED out on her. From then on every time she would reach toward her little table I would say "You better not be getting scissors!!!"
I remember Emma being born and my doctor holding her up and asking if she was a boy or girl.
I answered boy.
I was quite wrong.
They asked if she had a name.
We didn't. We really didn't think it was going to be a girl.
I remember them whisking her away and then the neonatologist bringing her back for one second to let me hold and kiss her. It's my only memory of her from that day which is so hard for me and why I think I still can't associate 3/14 with the happy thoughts. I will be forever grateful to him for giving me that moment with her and trying to make my experience a tad bit ordinary.
I remember Jamie's face when he walked into my room. He was so devastated that he had missed her birth and I would give anything to be able to change that. I wish so badly that I would have realized I was in labor sooner and allowed him to get back before she was born. That memory breaks my heart :(
I remember the labor "cocktail" they brought me. Orange juice, cranberry juice and ginger ale. Heaven.
I remember my nurse talking to me about the ice pack I was sitting on and having no idea there was ice down there. Epidurals are good stuff.
I remember being moved to postpartum. I think my nurse was on speed. She kept talking and talking about room service and I wanted to scream "I've been here for 6 weeks, I know how it works!!!" I was so sad they made me change rooms.
That was a bit of a mess, we'd finally moved all our stuff into my room and then had to move it out in a matter of minutes.
I remember falling asleep with my hand on my stomach, like I had done every night for months on end. That night no one would kick me back. There wasn't a baby to talk to and to tell to grow big and strong. I already missed having her with me so much :(

I'm really hoping that soon I'll move these memories to the back of my mind, but today they are so very prevalent.


ThinkLoveSleepEat said...

What a beautiful, heart-wrenching and honest description of this day. I'm in tears for you. I wish I could take some of this burden off of you but I imagine that time will do a much better job of it than any person can. Huge ((((hugs)))).

Brooke said...

Oh Ivory... I have such a knot in my throat and tears in my eyes. I understand to a small glimpse your sadness on that day.. but I pray that time will heal the memories of her birth day. Your an amazing woman, Ivory.. I am so proud of the mama you have become. E needed your strength. Lots of hugs and of course.. Happy Birthday E! You have outstanding parents!

Jeff and Kerry said...

Happy 1st birthday, Emma! And big hugs to you, Ivory. Thank you for being such an amazing friend, mentor, and shoulder - and most of all for being such an amazing mother to that beautiful little girl of yours. Emma is so incredibly lucky for all of the many sacrifices you made to keep her inside you as long as you did.

I know that today (and this week) has been so hard on you, and I wish more than anything that I could take the bad memories and pain away from you. I'm hoping that one day soon, 3/14 will only bring happy memories...and not remembering anything else about this day will be a good thing.

Love you buddy.

Anonymous said...

Happy Birthday Emma...future-Miss-Nolan!

Ivory - I hope that writing about it helps your pain gives all insight to your emotions and how much you have had to cope with.

Please give Emma a birthday hug and smoocharoo for me.


Anonymous said...

happy birthday, sweet emma. hugs for you, ivory.

Martha Compton said...

Thank you for your beautiful and honest post. I'm so thankful you have that one memory of Emma from that day. Hugs to her from Campbell.

Molly -n- Patrick said...

That was beautiful and I hope very cathartic for you Ivory. I remember that day well too. I remember sitting at The Attic having a drink with Patrick and our friend Dave and getting the text. I remember going downstairs and talking to Ondrea and promising to keep in touch with each other if the other one found out more. And I remember praying every single night that you and Emma would be watched over and taken care of. I'm glad you made it through your day yesterday - hugs to you.

Trish said...

Oh boy. I got through all of that w/o crying until I got to, " remember falling asleep with my hand on my stomach, like I had done every night for months on end. That night no one would kick me back. There wasn't a baby to talk to and to tell to grow big and strong. I already missed having her with me so much" and then I lost it.
I remember that as well..

Here's hoping for many more years of better memories..

Anonymous said...

I know you probably think I am a stalker...haha. Your mom means so much to me and I remember the weeks leading up to your delivery with your mom. There wasn't a moment you weren't on her mind. This website was always up on the computer and after baby Emma was born she would have the Emma "waving" pic up. And we would all crowd around the computer to see how beautiful Emma is. I love watching her grow! Happy belated Birthday Emma!


Noell said...

Oh Ivory, I know I randomly post comments here but I had to comment on this. You are such an amazing woman & mother, you are so strong. I really don't know what to say other than I hope that time heals the memories you have of Emma's birth day.
Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts!

Cathy said...

The first thought that entered my head is how beautiful and traumatic and scary and wonderful that was all at once. You're a strong woman and I hope this day is full of nothing but wonderful Emma memories from this day forward.

My second thought was I can't believe the math geek had her baby on Pi Day! Besides nobody noticing you were in labor unil 8cm, I can't believe nobody thought 3/14 would be her birthday!!! I guess you guys were kind of meant to meet that way, even if it was a rocky start.