Wednesday, August 12, 2009

back in the saddle

I know that everyone wants the Europe story, but Jamie still hasn't sent me any pictures and really the story is pretty boring without pictures. I promise they are coming :)
Today I just need to talk about something I'm struggling with these days.... going back to work. Yeah, you read that right, the gig is up. Jamie and I have decided that it's best for our family if I go back to some sort of work. Part of me is really excited about using the part of my brain that knows about more than diapers, part of me is sad to lose the freedom that staying at home and all of me is sad about not getting to spend all my time with Emma.
The struggle isn't so much about going back to work but rather what it is that I want to do with y life. I feel like someone has asked me what I want to be when I grow up and I don't know the answer (side note, when I was little I wanted to be a lawyer and the first woman president). For those of you that don't know, my educational background is in electrical engineer and my employment background is in project management and some engineering. I prefer project management over hardcore design engineering but I'm finding design engineering positions to be more prevalent. I've also found myself wanting to explore other avenues. I am feeling the need to do something "meaningful" with my life. What exactly that means, I'm not sure. I've found a million jobs that appeal to me; from small positions in a NICU, to positions with non profits, or research positions. I'm finding so many things that I "want" to do and many things that I "can" do, but it seems that positions that overlap are few and far between (maybe 1%).
Why is it that I'm 31 and still struggling to find my way in life? I met my brother's boss this weekend. He's my age, married with a child not much older than Emma. He's also the top broker in the company and making more money than I can imagine making at my age. And it's not so much the money, I think it's just being good at something, knowing which path to take and when. I'm surrounded my friends who seem to know what they want and how to get it. I'm married to a man who is lucky enough to truly love his job. How do I find these things? When do I figure it out? Why does it seem impossible to find something that I might actually love AND be good at?
Why is it that I don't feel any more grown up than I did 10 years ago when I was figuring out what to major in?


Heather L. said...

Wow, Ivory, I could be walking in your shoes. I am struggling with the same thing, even entertaining going back to school (gasp!) for my masters in childhood education. My background is in business, though, so it will be tough. I wish I had the answers, but know that you're not alone in not knowing what you want to be when you grow up!

Vicki said...

Must be the season, since I'm in the same boat and only looking at a part time evening job. It's not like I'll miss any of my fun time with our baby during the day, but I guess I can't claim to be a SAHM either!

Like Heather, I wish I had the answers too and you are so not alone.

ania said...

Good luck! I hope you can find something that will work for you and that you love!

Julie and Aaron said...

Ivs...I think you have already found your dream job - mommy. You are a perfect fit:). While most of us need to earn money too - our heart is with our family. Find something you will enjoy doing - and also make a little money. Don't get hung up on the idea that it needs to fit within your area of education - anyone would love a Mines grad on thier staff. None of us really know what we want to be when we grow up - we just take a chance and hope for the best:).

Suzie said...

Don't worry you're not alone about the career direction uncertainty...lots of those talks in our house lately. Mike hates his job and is trying to figure out other alternatives to his current line of work. If you figure this out, let us know!