24 weeks

I had hoped to be able to write about my goal of making it to 24w without being admitted to the hospital, but it seems like the universe had other plans for me.
Saturday afternoon I noticed a tiny bit of spotting – I haven’t bled at all this pregnancy (unlike with Emma, where I bled the whole time) and seeing even a tiny drop of blood was enough to freak me out. I called the on-call doc and they wanted me to head to the hospital, so I quickly woke Emma up (Jamie was out of town) and took her to a friend’s house so she could be picked up by my parents.
Walking into the hospital was pretty bad – the timing of being there again exactly one day gestationally before I’d been admitted with Emma was unreal. I think I freaked the emergency room people out a little bit because I was having flashbacks of last time. I insisted on walking upstairs myself instead of being in a wheel chair, because being wheeled down the hall to the antipartum floor is still one of the worst memories in my mind. The hallway has all these gorgeous pictures of happy, fat babies and I remember thinking “I’m not supposed to be here yet, it’s not my time” and even though walking down it again was horrible, I didn’t want the same experience.
They quickly got me a bed and put baby girl on the monitor, she was happy as a clam. I had an ultrasound and pelvic exam and my placenta, uterus and cervix all looked good, but there is a spot of “irritability” on my cervix which is where they think the bleeding is coming from. It’s VERY normal in pregnancy (there is a lot of extra blood down there) and it’s not an active bleed like I had with Emma, they think it’s no big deal. My doctor (not my normal doctor, but my other favorite who was the one who discovered I was in labor with Emma) was nice enough to offer up the steroid shots to help mature the babies lungs. They do NOT think I’m in danger of delivering, but there is no harm in getting them and it made everyone feel more comfortable (it’s just an added bonus to know if something does go wrong, we already have that taken care of). They kept me overnight on Saturday night for observation and I got to go home Sunday evening after my second shot.
I’m not on bed rest, they want me to take it easy and I’m on pelvic rest and can’t fly. I have a follow up ultrasound with the high-risk group that saw me when I was in the hospital with Emma tomorrow, just to have a second set of eyes look me over and then my next OB appt is next Monday.
It was really a weird experience to be back there. I recognized everyone and they all remembered me – even some of the NICU nurses came over after they saw my name on the board. It was bittersweet – I obviously didn’t want to be there, but I did love seeing friendly faces.
I’m having a little harder time dealing today, I just feel sad. I wrote this post a couple weeks ago and I kind of feel foolish. I know there is nothing wrong with feeling positive, but I feel like I let my guard down and kind of was blindsided. It’s hard to explain unless you’ve been there – I thought I would be guarded the whole time and I was just starting to feel like maybe everything would go smoothly for me and then WHAM! I know this isn’t a big deal, but it was just enough to remind me that things do happen and I seem to be someone that they happen to. It also makes me worry about Emma because I don’t really know how she’s coping with all of this and I don’t think it’s fair that she has to. IF something were to happen, she’s the one who would be most affected – I can handle it, been there done that (as much as I don’t want to), but she’s just 3 and I hate that she might be introduced to a situation where she’s scared about me or her sister or just doesn’t know what’s going on. I know what will happen will happen, but I’m a worrier and this is just what I do.
I’m just on edge and feeling a little lost and like I can’t really make plans because I don’t know what will happen. I feel like a lot of the joy has been taken away and I don’t want to feel that way, but I don’t know how not to expect the worst. It was a rough weekend.

And since I haven't posted a picture in a while, here you go - not the best