364 days

That's how long it's been since my world was flipped upside down. I've chosen to blog about this today so that I can try and concentrate on Emma tomorrow and celebrate the miracle that she is (I promise I will have cute pictures and stories and maybe even some video tomorrow) :)
If you would have asked me a week ago how I was doing I would have told you that I was great and that I was over all my sadness about this date. Eh, turns out that isn't true. I'm having a round week. I think part of it is that Jamie is out of town and likely will always be out of town this week, but it definitely brings back some of the "lonely" feelings. I lay down and it's just like a movie in my head that I can't stop. My memories from that night just play over and over again.
I remember how much pain I was in the days before I went into labor and how I wished it was over so I could just have my life back.
I remember the joy at getting to shower and eat that Friday. I hadn't showered in FIVE days. I'm pretty sure my doctor was glad she made that decision once she became a little more intimate with me.
I remember the amazing massage one of my favorite nurses gave me, but how it didn't stop the pain.
I remember going to the bathroom every 5-10 minutes in hopes that emptying my bladder would stop the contractions. It didn't work.
I remember wanting to push, and then mentioning it to my nurse, which is when people got clued in.
I remember the surprised look on my doc's face when they did the u/s. Turns out there was no measurable cervix. Hmmm, I wonder why? Oh because I was EIGHT CENTIMETERS DILATED!!!
I remember the absolute chaos that ensured after that. The staff was desperately trying to get me to labor and delivery and I was crying so hard that I could barely speak.
I remember calling my parents and Jamie and no one could understand what I was saying and I had to keep screaming "I'M IN LABOR GET HERE NOW!!!!"
I remember how terrified and alone I felt. OMG. I was so scared. So, so scared.
I remember being wheeled down the hall, still just crying uncontrollably. I can't imagine what the people in the hall thought was happening to me.
I remember getting to L&D and having them check me again and being 10cm. It was happening so fast and my head was just spinning.
I remember the epidural. I never thought I wanted one and actually had always been told that they won't give you one if you're that far along, but I think they saw I needed some help. It was awesome! One of my favorite doctors was holding me and compared to everything else going on it was so easy. I hadn't been in much pain but it calmed me down enough so I could breath and slowed my labor down so my parents could get there.
My parents came, I think they might have been crying in the car. Just a wild guess.
I remember one doc leaving and the other one coming. Luckily it was my 2 favorite docs... I will be forever grateful for that.
I remember pushing and my water breaking ALL over my doctor. Keep in mind I'd been bleeding for months... it was gross. She was a trouper, went and changed and was back for my next contraction.
Did you know that in order to give birth your legs must be behind your head? I didn't either, but my nurse sure seemed to think so.
I remember there were about a million people in my hospital room for the delivery. And every nurse I knew (which was a lot) kept stopping in to see me. I was a minor celebrity.
I remember how hard it was to push out a 2# baby. I really always thought she would slide out. She didn't.
I remember my doctor mentioning she might have to give me an episiotomy and I FREAKED out on her. From then on every time she would reach toward her little table I would say "You better not be getting scissors!!!"
I remember Emma being born and my doctor holding her up and asking if she was a boy or girl.
I answered boy.
I was quite wrong.
They asked if she had a name.
We didn't. We really didn't think it was going to be a girl.
I remember them whisking her away and then the neonatologist bringing her back for one second to let me hold and kiss her. It's my only memory of her from that day which is so hard for me and why I think I still can't associate 3/14 with the happy thoughts. I will be forever grateful to him for giving me that moment with her and trying to make my experience a tad bit ordinary.
I remember Jamie's face when he walked into my room. He was so devastated that he had missed her birth and I would give anything to be able to change that. I wish so badly that I would have realized I was in labor sooner and allowed him to get back before she was born. That memory breaks my heart :(
I remember the labor "cocktail" they brought me. Orange juice, cranberry juice and ginger ale. Heaven.
I remember my nurse talking to me about the ice pack I was sitting on and having no idea there was ice down there. Epidurals are good stuff.
I remember being moved to postpartum. I think my nurse was on speed. She kept talking and talking about room service and I wanted to scream "I've been here for 6 weeks, I know how it works!!!" I was so sad they made me change rooms.
That was a bit of a mess, we'd finally moved all our stuff into my room and then had to move it out in a matter of minutes.
I remember falling asleep with my hand on my stomach, like I had done every night for months on end. That night no one would kick me back. There wasn't a baby to talk to and to tell to grow big and strong. I already missed having her with me so much :(

I'm really hoping that soon I'll move these memories to the back of my mind, but today they are so very prevalent.